Sarcasm (150+)

I LOVE sarcasm! So why not make a post full of sarcasm?

Here we go!

This ones will be like this; first there's asked a question, then there comes the answer(not all are totally sarcastic, but I still found these funny).

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"Depends on where I’m looking."

"Define faith."

"While on an airplane, that moment just after you hear 'whump' but right before the pilot says, 'everything’s all right folks.'"

"call 10 things you're pessimistic about."

*sigh* "I don’t even think I could make it through three much less a list of ten….why even try?"

"Something that you enjoy doing for a friend."

"Pointing and laughing."

"10 things you learned at school on the curriculum"

"My mother reads this blog. I can’t tell you that. Plus, I streamlined most of my brain cells with the assistance of beer, so it’s not like I can remember anything I learned anyway... What was the question?"

"If you could follow someone around for one day, who would it be and why?"

"The police cleared me of those charges. I don’t have to answer that."

"Injustice in the world makes you feel…"

"Like the plot line to a bad superhero movie (take your pick)."

"Why should I be responsible?"

"I dunno. Wanna go get a beer?"

"10 things you believe in"

"I believe…I’ll have a beer. Not sure I can get in 10, who’s with me?"

"Do you feel underappreciated?"

"Only by the ungrateful."

"I am going to make tomorrow different by…"

"Isn’t tomorrow, by definition, different from today?"

This ones will not be with first a question, these are just single sentences.

P.S Sorry if there are any doubles, it are pretty much (150) so I don't really check and remember which I already have and haven't.

1. Suicide would be my way of telling God that I quit.
2. Don't you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
3. Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.
4. Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
5. Look! In the sky. It's a bird, it's a plane. Or is it a helicopter? No actually I think it is a bird. Or maybe I'm just seeing things. Who knows... After 10 shots of Whiskey things start to get a bit strange.
6. If you really wanted to do that, then why wouldn't you do that? Instead you do this. It makes no sense.
7. If I could I would. Whether or not I should, I still would.
8. Sometimes I wonder if I really can. But then I think to myself, maybe I can't. But if I could, that would be good. Maybe it's all a lie?
9. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
10. A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
13. If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
14. Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink...
15. don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught
16. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
17. I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
18. Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
19. Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...
20. I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
21. I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff... and I want it
22. I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
23. If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two...
24. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
25. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
26. If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
27. If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can’t speak English...
28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
29. I’m smiling. This should scare you.
30. It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
31. It takes two to lie... One to lie and one to listen...
32. When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
33. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
34. You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.
35. Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
36. If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
37. I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.
38. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
    
39. If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
40. I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
41. I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
42. I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
43. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
44. Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
45. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
46. Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.
47. Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.
48. Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
49. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
50. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
51. I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
52. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
53. Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.
54. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
55. People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.
56. My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.
57. Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.
58. Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”
59. Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.
60. My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
61. Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.
62. Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
63. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
64. I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.
65. I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.
66. I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.
67. Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.
68. Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
69. I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
70. That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
71. Life’s good, you should get one.
72. No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.
73. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!
74. I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.
75. Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.
76. Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
77. I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…
78. Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.
79. Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.
80. If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.
81. Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.
82. Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
83. Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?
84. If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.
85. Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
86. Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
87. You always do me a favor, when you shut up!
88. Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.
89. I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.
90. Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.
91. Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
92. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
93. Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!
94. If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
95. You sound better with your mouth closed.
96. If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
97. I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.
98. If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
99. If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
100. I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.
101. Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.
102. Please don’t interrupt me when I’m ignoring you.
103. I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow.
104. Don’t talk while I am interrupting!
105. Don’t bother me. I’m trying to give a damn about what you just said.
106. If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.
107. Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problem.
108. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
109. That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
110. I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
111. Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
112. Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.
113. People say that laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
114. I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
115. I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.
116.  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
117. Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.
118. The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.
119. Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.
120. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.
121. Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?
122. Asshole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.
123. My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.
124. I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.
125. Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day and everyone still would be proud of them.
126. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
127. Oh… I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.
128. You’d be in good shape, if you ran as much as your mouth.
129. I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.
130. Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
131. Sure I’ll help you out. The same way you came in.
132. I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
133. My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.
134. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
135. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t judge a student by his percentage.
136. If the teacher tells you to get out, it means you have won the argument.
137. Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.
138. You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.
139. Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed!
140. If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
141. I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
142. I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
143. I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat.
144. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
145. Look at you, you’re in perfect shape. For a circle.
146. If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
147. I’m smiling. That alone should scare you.
148. You sound better with your mouth closed.
149. My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.
150. If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.